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Archives September 2008
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August 2009
And so it happens.
The inexplicable inability of answering some of the questions I brutally assimilated in the deepest regions of my thought gets me so frustrated that I'm no longer willing to delve any deeper in them and, instead, throw them out of complete context. There is no more reality in the questions, as much as that in the answers for which I seek.
I don't know what to call it. Incompetence? Insecurity? Impatience? Gullibility? Fear? They all seem to fit the context - they are the or part of the entire answer. Or is the question itself just an anomaly? Yet more questions surface, and yet more clueless, hopeless frustration abound.
I can almost hear it, skipping away, braying with laughter.
The entire process is a fault; the entire persecution does no justice to logic. There is no goal, no objective, no final result desirable enough to motivate these actions, yet they are performed so systematically, so precisely...
Precise to the point that the design itself is a failure.
It makes no sense. Why can't I when they can? Did I leave something out? Is there a missing link that needs to be placed, a quota that needs to be fulfilled? Or am I the problem? Am I the one failing to see the real picture - the whole picture - of the situation?
Is it me?
I hear the sounds of laughter and of pain, I feel the emotions of joy and sorrow. I see the expressions, the emotions; the singing and the groans - I can nearly taste them too. All that emotions - the joy, the happiness, the pain, the hatred, the insecurity, the fear, the ignorance, the mistrust, the misunderstandings, the sorrow, grief, envy, greed, pride, glory, determinations and the lack thereof, the passion, the lackluster enthusiasm, motives, energies, beliefs, virtues... then I look at them, closely, one by one, surveying them as if each were experiments, nothing more than instruments - I look at them closely, and it makes no difference as to what each one refers to.
Yet, when I see them as a whole, why do I see the world?
[[ArsH]] at 8:07 PM Happens so the best of us, doesn't it?
Just as we enter our darkest hour, the entire world seems to turn against us. People forget we need their help and, instead, work almost actively to cripple and ultimately defeat us. Life is precious; that is a fact that no one can deny. But what happens when that life is snuffed out? Don't we all just move on without hesitation, without turning back?
Don't we all forget?
But, it seems, we forget faster when lives fight back. The entire balance is distorted, thrown out of proportion; it seems almost inevitable that anyone who fights back is considered expendable. The brave souls that give in to fury and hatred and revolt against their oppressors - they are seen as liabilities, hazards even, to civilization, to the world.
What that soul takes up to fight against ultimately defines the predicament others place it in.
Yet, it happens to the best of us. Everyone is a genius, a prodigy - yet when we try to improve our own skills, we are brought down by reasons that we are simply wasting our life, often by the very people who attempt to nurture us to be successful and happy as we proceed to death's welcome arms.
It makes no sense.
Prodigies like Einstein ignored his parents, stayed locked in his own world of books and information, probably throughout his childhood. Those hypocrites lied to us; Einstein could easily solve problems in Euclidean geometry at an age when we were learning vulgarities to hurl at each other. Yet when I read up on Euclidean geometry, even my teachers tell me I am wasting my time and should concentrate on math taught in school instead.
Einstein didn't even go to school.
Yet he pioneered the nonsense we now know as the Theory of Relativity and, soon, as Reality Functions and Sub-space Physics.
It makes no sense.
If geometry beyond three dimensions is useless, why bother studying it? Still, it makes you wonder, doesn't it? No matter what you do, someone always lies to you about a dead, successful person. Like how Einstein failed his math at first grade.
Hey, I failed my math too. Why can't I do advanced trilinear physics? Is it because of all the countless discouragements I receive? Is it because I hardly pay attention to books anymore? Is it because I'm not supposed to do anything significant?
Is it because it really was a lie?
This year is of utmost importance to my future. If anything, my entire life up to now has, and probably to the next few years, will be a failure. A complete failure. Yet this year, I will be gauged by elitists in a foreign country, while constantly being reminded that I will not be able to follow through with my dream of going to Australia to further my studies after Pre-U.
Just like that, my dream was crushed. He told me to stop dreaming, to look at the reality. I lost my sanity there and then. Everything I had hoped for, everything I had believed it, gone. Just like that.
Gone.
And what have I been? A fool. A fool to think that I'd get anywhere in life. I'm just a piece of firewood that others will use to warm themselves. I'm useless.
But this year... Even in the darkest hour, there will be a sliver of opportunity, a glint of hope. No matter how little, I must take advantage of it. I must pull myself through. Even if others say I am a failure, and even after I have established myself to be one, nothing thrills me more than proving other, and myself, wrong in the end.
It's what humans do, right? We prove each other wrong. That's how this whole mess started. I will pull myself through.
I will persevere.
I will prevail.
[[ArsH]] at 10:02 PM
The inexplicable inability of answering some of the questions I brutally assimilated in the deepest regions of my thought gets me so frustrated that I'm no longer willing to delve any deeper in them and, instead, throw them out of complete context. There is no more reality in the questions, as much as that in the answers for which I seek.
I don't know what to call it. Incompetence? Insecurity? Impatience? Gullibility? Fear? They all seem to fit the context - they are the or part of the entire answer. Or is the question itself just an anomaly? Yet more questions surface, and yet more clueless, hopeless frustration abound.
I can almost hear it, skipping away, braying with laughter.
The entire process is a fault; the entire persecution does no justice to logic. There is no goal, no objective, no final result desirable enough to motivate these actions, yet they are performed so systematically, so precisely...
Precise to the point that the design itself is a failure.
It makes no sense. Why can't I when they can? Did I leave something out? Is there a missing link that needs to be placed, a quota that needs to be fulfilled? Or am I the problem? Am I the one failing to see the real picture - the whole picture - of the situation?
Is it me?
I hear the sounds of laughter and of pain, I feel the emotions of joy and sorrow. I see the expressions, the emotions; the singing and the groans - I can nearly taste them too. All that emotions - the joy, the happiness, the pain, the hatred, the insecurity, the fear, the ignorance, the mistrust, the misunderstandings, the sorrow, grief, envy, greed, pride, glory, determinations and the lack thereof, the passion, the lackluster enthusiasm, motives, energies, beliefs, virtues... then I look at them, closely, one by one, surveying them as if each were experiments, nothing more than instruments - I look at them closely, and it makes no difference as to what each one refers to.
Yet, when I see them as a whole, why do I see the world?
[[ArsH]] at 8:07 PM Happens so the best of us, doesn't it?
Just as we enter our darkest hour, the entire world seems to turn against us. People forget we need their help and, instead, work almost actively to cripple and ultimately defeat us. Life is precious; that is a fact that no one can deny. But what happens when that life is snuffed out? Don't we all just move on without hesitation, without turning back?
Don't we all forget?
But, it seems, we forget faster when lives fight back. The entire balance is distorted, thrown out of proportion; it seems almost inevitable that anyone who fights back is considered expendable. The brave souls that give in to fury and hatred and revolt against their oppressors - they are seen as liabilities, hazards even, to civilization, to the world.
What that soul takes up to fight against ultimately defines the predicament others place it in.
Yet, it happens to the best of us. Everyone is a genius, a prodigy - yet when we try to improve our own skills, we are brought down by reasons that we are simply wasting our life, often by the very people who attempt to nurture us to be successful and happy as we proceed to death's welcome arms.
It makes no sense.
Prodigies like Einstein ignored his parents, stayed locked in his own world of books and information, probably throughout his childhood. Those hypocrites lied to us; Einstein could easily solve problems in Euclidean geometry at an age when we were learning vulgarities to hurl at each other. Yet when I read up on Euclidean geometry, even my teachers tell me I am wasting my time and should concentrate on math taught in school instead.
Einstein didn't even go to school.
Yet he pioneered the nonsense we now know as the Theory of Relativity and, soon, as Reality Functions and Sub-space Physics.
It makes no sense.
If geometry beyond three dimensions is useless, why bother studying it? Still, it makes you wonder, doesn't it? No matter what you do, someone always lies to you about a dead, successful person. Like how Einstein failed his math at first grade.
Hey, I failed my math too. Why can't I do advanced trilinear physics? Is it because of all the countless discouragements I receive? Is it because I hardly pay attention to books anymore? Is it because I'm not supposed to do anything significant?
Is it because it really was a lie?
This year is of utmost importance to my future. If anything, my entire life up to now has, and probably to the next few years, will be a failure. A complete failure. Yet this year, I will be gauged by elitists in a foreign country, while constantly being reminded that I will not be able to follow through with my dream of going to Australia to further my studies after Pre-U.
Just like that, my dream was crushed. He told me to stop dreaming, to look at the reality. I lost my sanity there and then. Everything I had hoped for, everything I had believed it, gone. Just like that.
Gone.
And what have I been? A fool. A fool to think that I'd get anywhere in life. I'm just a piece of firewood that others will use to warm themselves. I'm useless.
But this year... Even in the darkest hour, there will be a sliver of opportunity, a glint of hope. No matter how little, I must take advantage of it. I must pull myself through. Even if others say I am a failure, and even after I have established myself to be one, nothing thrills me more than proving other, and myself, wrong in the end.
It's what humans do, right? We prove each other wrong. That's how this whole mess started. I will pull myself through.
I will persevere.
I will prevail.
[[ArsH]] at 10:02 PM
Name: Mohamad Arshad (Robert Greyscale)
Age: 15 years old
Date of Birth: Yanuary20 1993
Horoscope Sign: Capricorn
Anti-Religist
Libertarian
schools
Woodlands Primary
(00 - 05)
Unity Secondary
(06 - 09)
Critical response quota achieved.
READ:LOGIC Bases
[1, 2, 5, 13, 18, R3, 27, 37]
established as of time 2116hrs (20.8.09)
Proceeding to magneuv incan tentedou...